[Note: An edited version of this piece was published in Himal Mag]
I am very much connected to Internetworks these days. My friends are sending me every day new new links, and I am expanding my world too much. But yesterday one shocking video I saw. One married girl is thinking about those shame-shame areas of her body, that too while having coffee with her husband! Some animation is coming when she is bathing, showing all brown parts shining and becoming like snow-white, and then she is gallivanting like anything with the husband wearing chaddis. To tell you the truth, I was shocked. But my friend Kiccha is saying, so what, there are so many fairness creams these days, and that too for different-different parts of your body: underarms, ears, elbows, teeth, brain, etc.
See, I am very much in favour of fairness and just society. Fairness is very much important even to break caste, creed and religion. You are knowing Ramaswamy’s daughter? She went off and married American Christian boy. Aiyyo, it was big scandal, and parents completely cut her off. They didn’t even say that she is married. But within one year, the couple were blessed with fair-skinned issue. Seeing such a white baby (blue eyes also), their hearts and all melted. Now they are even wheeling the baby in a pram on famous Besantnagar beach in Madras. All are envying them now. This is the real power of fairness.
But why you want to marry Americans, you can even solve this problem with age-old wisdom! If pregnant ladies are taking saffron with milk, it will be reducing melanin production in the baby and it will come out like a ball of maida. This saffron science is all proven and published on email. If you want, I can forward.
My daughter is saying, why you are thinking that brown-black colour is looking bad? She is showing on Fashion TV how so many international models are dark. After all, Krishna, Draupadi, etc. were also different colour. We should be taking pride in our identity no?
Ok, ok, I am taking very much pride in our culture, identity, everything. It is not like I am ashamed to be Indian. But in Tamil, we have a compliment, “Nee romba colour-aa irukke”, means “You are so colour”. And we have to be practical. Whatever you say, Filter Coffee which is so dark is only selling for Rs. 7/- and this new Crapuccino thing which is full of milk-white bubbles is for Rs. 50/-. And I think you are reading Sir Alyque Padamsee Sir’s latest article? (I am always admiring his advertisings.) He has told that, speaking from physics perspective, white people are reflecting light, so you can see them easily, but with dark people you always need light to see them. One joke here, we are actually calling dark people IAS, means Invisible After Sunset. I think Padamsee sir was not knowing this old joke, otherwise he could’ve used in his advertisement.
See, that’s why there is that famous painting in Mysore palace called Lady with the Lamp. She is a black beauty, the lady, and she is needing to be carrying oil lamp. On other hand, see my cousins Sarala and Tarala. They are both having big nose, and one-type of smiles. But because they are fair like tubelights, they are famous beauties of our family.
In those days also, we were helping dark people to look little better, but then we were not having all this Fair and Lovely technology, only mack-ups. Some men were against mack-up but I was always for the women’s emaciation so I used to say OK, enjoy. We had two mackups: turmeric and rose-powder. Turmeric all ladies used as face-wash to make their skin glow like they have jaundice. Rose-powder was more stylish; I used to buy for my wife. Little pink it would make her look. Even newsreaders in those days used to wear it, men also.
Nowadays, of course, I am learning about the modern things, and still I am helping the darker people in the family. My brother you know is a bit dark, and his daughter also (not like my family). So, for her 12th birthday, I am getting her Fairever cream. Why means, we all want her to become doctor (we are not having doctor in our family, such a shame). And I saw on TV, this story. One number innocent school girl, she is very troubled on behalf of villagers because there is no hospital for them. She thinks, I will become doctor and save the lives. But what to do, she is dark so she cannot study well (I think you will also be empathising this situation.) But soon, she finds Fairever cream. Then itself her IQ is doubling, and she is getting admission in medical school. She returns to village as doctor. The villagers are all dark and they are all thinking like “Shabbah! If she is so fair, how good doctor she must be!” Best part about this ad is in ending, a little brown village girl finds the Fairever tube. See how beautifully it is conveyed. Like this only India will progress .
I am hearing there is lot of technology behind bleach and fairness cream. Are you knowing that some creams is coming direct from smart scientists at Research Institutes? First of all, these creams are all acting at a cellular level, not like our rose powder. Some ions are being released by the cream, and it is going into the underside of skin and just burning all the melanin into hot air (this melanin is useless compound anyway). At the same time, the ions are going outside and building big shield like Karna had in Mahabharat TV show. This shield is preventing bad things like sunlight, dust, common sense, etc. I am also reading on how the cream is improving IQ. It seems our brain is like a cauliflower. Fairness creams are having some hi-fi technology, namely Nano OzoNe Sensitiser agents. This NONSens agents is going into brain and like cement, it is sitting between the cauliflower gaps and that is how it is increasing IQ. I am really amazing about this every time.
My friend Kiccha is saying to tell about men’s plight also. See all these women, for so many years they are taking all good things for themselves. But Sir Alyque Padamsee Sir and Mr. Shahrukh Khan are too smart (really they are beauty and brains mixture). They are coming out with Fair and Handsome cream for boys. It seems all boys they are stealing sister’s fairness cream and putting. But how it will work on their skin? So only Padamsee Sir and Mr. Khan are inventing rough & tough version, Fair & Handsome, as service to mankind. By the by, one thing I am not understanding, why Mr. Shahrukh Khan is not using it in real life? Yesterday only, he has been detained in US Airport and at Yale College, he is telling sarcastically, “Next time I will tell US police I am white”. Mr. Khan, why simply you are telling, do and show no?
Even Fair & Lovely cream also, it has come in men’s flavour, but they are emphasising more on IQ aspect. Here one fair MBA boy is fastly taking interview of man in blue shirt. But in few minutes, man in blue he is leaning back and, you know what we are seeing, he is actual interviewer, along with other big people! Of course, they are selecting fair boy for the job because his fairness makes him so confident (that’s how he got MBA). This is top-class ad, all twisted in the tail. Really these ad men are so clever, everyone in their offices must be having NONSens agents in their brains.
I also want to congratulate our young cricketer Virat Kohli. See how honest he is, coming on TV and saying, “Cricket and all okay but once I remove helmet also, I should perform no? So only I use fairness cream.” He is truly youth icon.
But I am talking too much and forgetting my last point. See, by now you know how good this fairness creams are. So I am coming with new idea that I am emailing just now only to Madam President. We are having Children’s Day, Mother-in-law’s Day, Valentine’s Day, etc. From next year, I am suggesting to have National Bleaching Day. On that day, all girls and boys can do national duty of bleaching their face (other things, I don’t want to mention). In a few years’ time, every Indian will become fair and then automatically they will become doctor or MBA (IT also OK). Then, in next generation, not even one Indian will be having natural skin colour. Really, so much pride Mother India will be bursting with when that is happening, no?