So many disturbing things are happening in the country. You must have heard of that disgusting incident in Kochi? I hesitate to write anything here since this is a family paper, but some boys and girls were caught red-handed in a coffee shop. It seems they were doing all kinds of depraved things—talking to each other, laughing together, and even, I have heard, drinking Italian coffee from big mugs. Can you imagine?
As an ordinary citizen, you may feel powerless to stop such open disrespect of our culture, our morals and, most importantly, our coffee. But fear not, there is a way for the truly zealous. Do you wake up every day with a terrible itching in your backside to improve society? Does the idea of fame, adulation and unlimited desi-ghee make your chest puff up like a 56-inch bhatura? Then maybe, just maybe, my fellow Indian, you are eligible to join the ranks of the most elite institution in the country, the Indian Institute of Moral Police (IIMP).
Now, IIMP doesn’t take any garden-variety patriot. No, sir. You must first pass the Anti-Social Service exam, known colloquially as AS(S). This is followed by a demanding interview and a short practical test. Only a handful of Moral Police officers are selected every year. Out of these, only those floating on the creamy malai layer get to serve an active mission of rioting and goonda-giri. Your great moral mission, should you choose to accept it, could be anywhere. On land, under water, or in hot air.
Luckily for you, I spoke to some Moral Police officers who have cracked their AS(S) with very high marks. They revealed the secret characteristics that the IIMP panel looks for in an officer.
(1) The ideal Moral Police officer has strict moral values–for others. You should demonstrate utter confidence in the superiority of your morals over everyone else’s. In fact, even your immoral behaviour is better than others’ immoral behaviour. For example, let’s say some boys are mingling with girls in a modern way. This is immoral, obscene and the main cause for the pollution of the Ganga. But let’s say you watch porn or visit a red-light area. This is irrelevant.
Such a positive attitude will also help in handling tricky media questions about hypocrisy.
(2) The ideal Moral Police officer knows how to distinguish good from evil. Being in the IIMP requires you to think on your feet. You will need to make quick judgements on what is good and what is evil. Remember, the law doesn’t matter one bit. If it involves Western culture and/or women, it is usually evil. Women drinking alcohol, for example–evil. Men smoking beedis–not evil. Sadhus being high on ganja–not evil.
(3) Moral Police officers should be able to produce a Noble Cause (NOC) certificate at a moment’s notice. The public may ask why you are not doing anything positive to improve the country, why you want to spread violence, etc. To answer this, you must be able to quickly whip out one or two Noble Causes. For example, if someone asks, “Why are you vandalising some poor person’s business?”, you must reply, “We are protecting innocent children from Italian coffee.”
If someone asks, “Why are you beating up Indian women?”, you should say, “We are preserving Ayurvedic herbs.” Remember, Noble Causes don’t need to be true or logical.
(4) A Moral Police officer should be fit enough to leap to exaggerated conclusions. The more shocking your exaggeration, the better. Silly people will ask you, “Why target coffee shops? What can happen in a coffee shop?”. If you’re smart you will say, “Fine. Why don’t you open a beedi shop in your son’s school then, eh? Eh?”
Or if someone says, “I don’t see harm in boys talking to girls.”, answer with something like, “Oh, you don’t see the harm? Maybe tomorrow, you will tell your son to join ISIS.”
Last but not the least, appear calm and confident. Show that you can perpetrate a little violence and still believe you have God on your side. Don’t worry about showing your temper. Save all that for Valentine’s Day. As a wise man once said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do to your country.” I wish you good luck, comrades. May the force be with you.