Dear worshippers of The Sacred Potato, dark and turbulent times are upon us. Even as the all-seeing sprouty eyes of The Supreme Carbohydrate in the Sky cast a benevolent gaze upon the earth, several atrocities are taking place to besmirch His creamy name. For so many years, we have remained a wise and tolerant faith, being peaceful even as others have sought to brainwash the public with their dogma and their rajma. Successive rulers have tried to sideline us by claiming that the potato is not native to India despite the established provenance of our holy books, the Mahabataata and the Aloo Sutra. But we have always stood peacefully by.
The Holy Potato is not just our father, our brether, or our twice-removed cousin by marriage, but also our samosa-filling at the end of a difficult day. It is not a religion, it is a (delicious) way of life.
In recent times, however, our tolerance has been put sourly to the test. Radical outfits are planting paid articles in news media with sensationalist propaganda: “Carbs are the new fat!”, “Lay off the spuds and the rice!”, they say, even as foreign foods flood the markets. Under the guise of health advocacy, nutritionists and doctors receive millions of dollars in foreign funding. They then lure unsuspecting devotees of french fries and aloo chaat, and brainwash them into switching to low-carb diets like Atkins and Paleo. It is plain and open war. It is Aloo Jihad! Such anti-national activities should not be tolerated!
But do you read about these schemes anywhere? No! Civil society has turned a blind eye. They talk loudly about treating all vegetables equally, but they secretly undermine the Supreme Potatohead at every opportunity. Go to any university campus in the country and you will see this left-wing influence. Vegetable parathas instead of aloo parathas, sprouts salads instead of traditional potato roast, and so on. Why, just yesterday, I was at a famous masala-dosa joint in Bangalore, and a group clad in tight lycra shorts placed orders for plain, oil-less dosas. The gall, I tell you! Have you ever heard these pseudo-secularists denounce Western imports like lettuce? No, of course not. Our sacred symbols are their only target. National TV is also silent on this issue. Tell me, when was the last time you saw Anti-Potato atrocities being debated on the TV channels? Has Arnab mentioned Aloo Dum or Aloo Poshto even once on air? The President and the Prime Minister are also yet to break their silence. On the contrary, it has become fashionable to mock our Gods, throwing around slurs like Couch Potato.
For too long, we have stood quietly while these atrocities have been taking place. No more. The myth of the chubby and peaceful Potato-Worshipper must be shattered. We hereby declare that the consumption of any vegetable other than potato is a direct and malicious attack on our faith. We are immediately petitioning the government to ban all vegetables except for potatoes.
For too long, the public has been misled into thinking that eating is their personal business. This is not true. We are not forcing anyone to follow our religion; we are just asking them to respect it by doing exactly as we say. It’s for your own good too. The Holy Potato is the root of all natural goodness, a yummy and divinely misshapen gift from Mother Earth. So why would you need anything else? Why add the slimy ladies-finger or brinjal, both of which have no doubt been planted by foreign hands? Or take the tomato. The tomato wants all the rights and privileges of the vegetable community when it is in reality a fruit. It is clearly the result of communist propaganda. Do you want to fall into that trap?
We also want laws against all animal products such as ghee and butter and paneer. Even the smallest drop or piece in the pan will desecrate our rituals. Our priests will be forced to take multiple bubble-baths to cleanse themselves of the impurity. See, for too long, there has been such open disrespect of our tenets. So please cooperate. If not, we will be forced to rally all our forces. We will come for your spinach, your plantains and snake-gourds; we will come for your lowly onions. The entire nation will be in a soup. We won’t even give peas a chance.